Marriage and family life focus of inaugural diocesan summit

The way that loving, married couples witness to their vocation within their families and communities may well be among the most effective means to encourage engaged individuals to marry in the Church.

To view photo gallery from the Marriage Summit, click here.

“It’s time we raise the bar in our own marriages and not just settle for just a good marriage or an OK marriage, but a great marriage! And, it’s time we challenge others to do the same.”

That was the key message delivered by presenter Don Gramer in his workshop during the Diocese’s Marriage Summit held May 8-9 in Georgian Court University, Lakewood.

Gramer’s workshop was one of about a dozen offered to the 465 individuals who took part in the summit over the two-day period. The keynote talks and workshop presentations, delivered by locally- and nationally-known speakers, made up the comprehensive program, designed to provide marriage-building tools for all who educate, serve and minister to Catholic families. Participants included clergy and parish ministry leaders, volunteers and staff, from both English-speaking and Spanish-speaking communities.

The Marriage Summit, sponsored by the Diocese’s Department of Youth, Marriage and Family Life, also served as the occasion to introduce the diocesan “Plan for Strengthening Marriage,” a document of seven concrete, measurable objectives designed for all who minister to couples.

In his keynote address, Bishop David M. O’Connell, C.M., was honest as he expressed his concerns about the state of sacramental marriage within the Diocese of Trenton, the Church and American culture.

“Research has told us that one out of every two marriages in the United States ends in divorce,” he said. “That statistic is no different within the Catholic Church here, with all the preparations that we provide: pre-Cana classes, meetings with parish priests and married couples, Engaged Encounters, Marriage Encounters and so forth.

“Much also has been written about marriage both as sacrament and human reality,” Bishop O’Connell said. “It is no surprise then that within the Catholic Church in our country, there is cause for concern, even cause for alarm. How can we, should we respond? How can we, should we address the situation? What should we do?”

Bishop O’Connell had the audience alternately nodding in agreement and laughing at insights such as, “What do I know [about marriage?] A celibate priest for 33 years…. It is like a man standing on the shore, having never gone swimming before, trying to explain how to swim to people already in the water.”

Continuing the analogy, the Bishop said, “but, from his vantage point, he can see the sharks…. He can see when someone is in trouble and get help.”

Quoting Scripture, the Catechism of the Catholic Church and other Church documents, the Bishop reminded the attendees of God’s design for Man: “The loving union that is marriage is one that is faithful, fruitful and forever. This statement… is, plainly and simply, what we believe as Catholics and what we always have believed.”

“No worthwhile commitment in life is without its challenges,” Bishop O’Connell asserted. “That’s true of family life. That’s true of priesthood and religious life. That’s true of the single state and vocation. That’s even true of a job and enduring friendship. And marriage is truly, certainly worthwhile. It is the bedrock of human society and human community. A man and a woman who enter marriage freely, fully, fruitfully must intend their relationship to last.”

Terry Ginther, diocesan executive director of Pastoral Life and Mission, gave an overview of the Plan for Strengthening Marriage, a document that was the fruit of a study commission appointed by Bishop O’Connell in October, 2013, and charged to develop a set of recommendations for strengthening Catholic marriages at every stage and throughout married life. The commission consisted of pastors, deacons, religious and lay women and men who established seven objectives which the Bishop cited as pastoral priorities for the Diocese from 2014 to 2019. [See article.]

Beautiful Throughout All of Life

Keynote speaker Msgr. James Lisante declared faith, mercy and love as the lynchpins not only of the family, but society at large, during his afternoon keynote presentation entitled “The Beauty of Marriage in Every Stage.” The address, in turn humorous and somber, was geared toward helping ministers see themselves as examples of Catholic family life in ways that will translate to those who come to them for counseling, advice and encouragement.

Msgr. Lisante is former director of the Office of Family Ministry for the Diocese of Rockville Centre, N.Y., and has hosted several national television and radio programs including “Personally Speaking” and “Christopher Close-Up.” His columns have appeared in more than 300 newspapers.

Defining himself in the context of family life, as first a son, brother and uncle, then priest and counselor, Msgr. Lisante began his discourse on how to convey “the message of your life,” to couples and families. “The focus should be,” he said, “on who you are rather than what you teach.”

In the first of many examples culled from his life, Msgr. Lisante spoke about the religious sister who had the most profound effect on his faith development during his formative years.

He recalled thinking about Sister Mary Angela over the years with gratitude and finally, he wrote her to tell her so.

By that time, she had reached her 90s; when she responded, she wanted to know what it was she said that had such an impact. He replied, “I don’t remember what you said. I remembered what you were.”

“[Marriage] is an amazing commitment,” Msgr. Lisante continued. “Those who undertake it must realize that they are saying ‘yes’ to the mountain tops and the journeys and the valleys. They must realize that love is an overworked word. It’s a challenge to be married and live the values” and the challenges, especially in these precarious societal times, he stated.

“While the vocation of marriage is real life with real challenges, the vast majority of young people today are ‘unchurched’ and don’t realize the scope – sacramental, emotional and financial – of the commitment they are making,” he stated. He decried the fact that so many younger generations, especially millennials, fail to see church attendance as important.

“In the 168 hours that the week is comprised of, they don’t see worship as important as sleep, work, play…” he said.

That they also fail to connect as family regularly is equally troubling, he said. He cited studies that show families are likely to connect only once per week for a meal and maybe 20 minutes for discussion, which often gets lost amid a profusion of “social media and television, which makes everything less real.”

Drawing again from his own experience, he offered a vision of his family gathered at dinner saying how when he first entered the room, he noted that all the kids’ heads were bowed. “At first, I thought they were praying and then I realized they were texting. … This doesn’t just affect them,” he said. “It affects everyone in their lives.”

With divorce rates high, many “don’t see the value of a Church wedding, that don’t see the value of going to Church, where domestic abuse is more than violence, it’s also emotional abuse,” he said. Those who minister to families must work on solutions for all generations – including the elderly who often are shuttled aside.

“It’s our job to open people’s eyes to faith,” he said. “Ask yourself what you are willing to do for faith.”

Realize, he said, that there are no perfect families and with that in mind, reach out to everyone with mercy and love.

“Show your love,” he said. “Showing love is the glue, the cement. It holds the power of healing.” Above all, he said, realize that “you are the message. Love begins and ends with mercy.”

The Marriage Summit gave participants an opportunity to attend workshops aimed to address challenges during all stages of marriage. Topics included resources and programs that address troubled marriages and those entering a second marriage within the Church, ways to promote the sanctity of marriage to youth and young adults and Natural Family Planning.

Insights into Ministry

Participants were eager to share how, despite their varying ministries and backgrounds, the Marriage Summit workshops addressed many of their questions and concerns about ministering to married parishioners.

Msgr. Michael Walsh, pastor of St. James Parish, Pennington, and administrator of St. Alphonsus Parish, Hopewell, noted, “We have a number of people coming to these workshops [both days]. We will meet next week to see how to address these issues and form a new marriage ministry.”

Father Michael O’Connor, who attended the May 8 session, said he gleaned a number of ideas from the workshops he attended to bring back to Sacred Heart Parish, Bay Head, where he is pastor.

He found the workshop conducted by Lorrie and Don Gramer entitled “Becoming a Marriage Building Catholic Parish” especially helpful, saying that he would like to set up a marriage building team in the near future that would help support couples in all the stages of marriage, from newlyweds to long-marrieds to those in the golden years and beyond.

Father O’Connor said an energetic, friendly and open approach is needed these days in parishes to overcome the fact that so many couples are not married in the Church. “We have to find ways of encouraging them to come in and have their marriages blessed, to pray as families,” to appreciate and integrate their Catholic identity into into family life.

“We have to be more welcoming and help the young couples get married in the Church starting with their first contact over the phone or by coming into the office,” he said. One of the things he plans to do is offer an anniversary blessing for couples each month.

He called the Marriage Summit a “great first step” and said that he’s “looking forward to what comes next,” from the Diocese on marriage.